Designed, made, maintained and updated by Cameron Seddon for Bare Village
How did you get the job of 'Knitted' Lord Mayor of Bare? Were you voted in?
No, I was knitted in. 'Stitch one, Pearl one' and all that... The run for 'Knitted' Lord Mayor was tough. The 'Knitted' funeral director was also in the running so there was stiff competition.
The villagers of Bare want to know where you came from as you came from out of the blue.
I actually came from out of a bag. My mum, Floss is a dab hand with the knitting needles and it took her a lot of visits to the wool shop in Morecambe to make me. Because I'm a Lord Mayor, the wool shop owner asked my mum if she fancied a little Ruff. This led to some terrible discrepancies, I can tell you.
You have a knitted mouse on your mayoral hat. Could you briefly explain?
Yes. When I was being made one of my mum's neighbours popped her head through the window and said "Remember Floss, if it's a Mayor then you'll have to have Ermine on it!" I think my mum may have misheard.
That was nice of the neighbour though!
Not really. The window was closed when my neighbour put her head through it.
It must be a busy life as knitted Lord Mayor of Bare. How do you start your day?
Well now, I jump out of bed, run towards the stairs, jump on the banister and slide down at high speed! Then I slide back up at high speed. My braces usually get caught on the top banister. Eventually when I get to the bottom of the stairs I check the letterbox for any post. There's never any post but then I realise that it's way before 1pm! Breakfast time means knitted bacon, sausages, beans and my favourite: knitted eggy-weggs. I always make sure that I have two things ready after breakfast; a big pot of REAL tea!
Of course! You can't beat a big pot of... Hang on! You said 'two' things. What's the second thing that you have ready?
A mop. It goes right through me. Literally... The two thousand perforations in my Mayoral trousers let the flavour 'flood out' all over the floor. Our cat has never been so startled. Vets are baffled.
Which of these would you say irritates you the most?
a) Getting up every morning.
b) A bleeding nose.
c) Chris Moyles.
Ooh, let me see... I would have to say a), b) and c); Chris Moyles getting up my bleeding nose every morning.
Are the rumours true that your first knitted Lady Mayoress met with a tragic accident at her knitted mother's house?
Cruelly so. My then knitted wife was only checking the washing machine while it was about to start its final rinse program when... she... fell inside the machine. I was helpless. All I could do was watch her go round and round and round...
Still, at least she died in relative Comfort.
That's out of order! You said I could do the punchline to that!
Sorry, Knitted Lord Mayor of Bare. I did say you could do the punchline. Anyway, which is your favourite shop in Bare Village?
I must say I do like Robinson's, the flower shop on the Crescent. It's definitely got a fuchsia! The paper shop's nice but it nearly blew away in the high winds last week. Overend's Blinds shop and Funeral service round the corner is good but I sometimes forget which door to go into, hence the saying, "If it's not Blinds, it's CURTAINS!" Harry Peel's a very trustworthy man in fact he's usually the last person to let you down.
My favourite times are when I'm sat in my window on the Crescent watching people trying to park. There's this one chap especially who can't park for toffee... This way; that way; screaming, going red and jumping up and down like Rumplestiltskin! It's so hilarious he should have his own television show.
Ha ha ha! Maybe we could get the REAL Lord Mayor of Bare to host the programme...
What do you mean? I'm TALKING about the REAL Lord Mayor of Bare!
Last question. Do you have any wise words for anyone wanting to be in your position next year?
Yes. 'Get Knitted!"
Massive thanks to Floss for making Knitted Lord Mayor of Bare and her continuing charity work.